Alan's empty space

 

Well.

Here I am again, and where shall I start?

 

Again, for an update on what's happened in my year up to this point please see the previous entries as I'm not going to cover all that again lol

My previous updates have concentrated on the situation I've had with my divorce (which is almost over thank god), my house and my job (or lack there of, as before the year is out, at the moment I will be unemployed).

If you have read any of the previous entries you will have seen mention of a star I've been following these many months, that shining beacon in the darkness that has been my one source of light and warmth. Well, as some of you may have guessed, it's not a star at all, but a person.

I met this person quite by chance a while ago and we had an instant connection, a connection like I've never felt before, the type of connection which I thought only happens in movies and not in real life. The kind of connection which happens once in a lifetime, if your lucky.

 

I have discovered that I am the luckiest person in the world, I have the clothes on my back and a few things in a small storage unit yet I consider myself to be the richest person on this planet, I have never been this happy or felt this complete.

 

When I'm not with her I feel lost, I feel empty and incomplete, my heart sings whenever I receive a text message or a phone call from her. The times I see her she always takes my breath away, she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, graceful, gorgeous, caring, funny, sexy, crazy, She is everything I've ever dreamed of and I feel we are compatible in so many ways, she feels like the missing half of me and I've always been incomplete until I met her.

 

I can't possibly describe the feelings I have or the way I feel about her, it's emotion on such a raw scale it can almost be scary sometimes.

 

I know this is going to be a rambling entry as I try to put all this down on paper (virtually of course :-) ) but you'll have to bear with me and try to go with the flow.

 

I never used to be a believer in fate until I met her, the things we spoke about, the experiences that we have had, the way we think, what we want out of life etc.. are all so similar it's uncanny, it feels like we really were meant to meet each other and everything that has happened in our lifes has brought us to this point, and I really do believe that.

 

I remember the moment I fell in love with her, it was the look in her eyes, shining like the night sky, they just sparkled, they captivated me, I could feel myself falling, my breath was taken away totally, I couldn't move and I've never ever felt anything like that before. I'm remembering that moment right now as I type this and I'm actually welling up while I recount it. I wonder how many people can remember the exact moment they fell in love, but I can, I remember it like it was yesterday, or today, or 5 mins ago, it's the most amazing feeling I've ever had.

Every time I am around her I feel like I struggle to breathe, my head spins and I feel like my feet don't touch the ground.

 

We have such a good time when we're together and I don't take any of those moments for granted, I consider every day, every second with her to be special and that can be doing anything from watching a DVD on tv, to carrying her through puddles so she doesn't get her feet wet, to being attacked with a pair of tweezers LOL to going for long walks in the woods, laying in bed in the middle of the night while she sleeps with her head on my chest, listening to her breathing and sleeping peacefully, waking up in the morning and seeing her beautiful face.

 

People may consider this entry to be soppy, waffley, sickening etc, but you know what, I really don't care what other people think, I've discovered that I've spent most of my life bending over backwards to try and accommodate other people and keep everyone happy (people who, I might add don't appreciate one second of it) and I'm sick of it.

This is my life and I'm living it for me and I will be doing what I want and to hell with everyone else, if they don't like it then they can go take a running jump.

 

I'm the happiest I've been in my life, I've been wracking my brains to see if there have been moments before where I've felt this way, and obviously I've been happy before but never to this degree, I feel with her by my side, I can do anything, achieve anything, get through anything, she is the very fabric of my existence, my world, the very air I breathe.

 

What makes my heart leap and feel like it's going to burst out of my chest is that she feels the same way as I do and when she tells me that she loves me and wants to always be with me, I feel myself lift off the floor and smile the biggest smile.

 

I don't know what lies ahead for me (or for us ;-) ) but I know that with her by my side there is nothing that can't be overcome, hand in hand we walk forward into our future together with big smiles on our faces and love in our hearts.

 

And I know she will read this at some point and so I will state for the whole world to see, I love babes, more than anything, you have my heart and soul, I don't have them, you captured them many months ago with those eyes of yours, shining like the heavens, I want to be staring into those eyes for the rest of my life.

Still smiling here, all the time,

Every day it gets more and more........

 

more and more....

 

Still falling more every day.

Falling..

 

Apologies for the rambling entry, I just have so much emotion (all good I may add) that thinking straight can sometimes be quite a challenge, esp. when trying to describe how you feel about the most important person in your life.

 

Oh, just have one more thing to add.......

 

Me More!

 

;-)

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Well, interesting times to be had here, obviously you can read my previous entries to get the low down on my life up until this point.

 

It just keeps getting better and better ladies and gentleman, found out at the beginning of this week that I may lose my job soon. Our company is making lots of people redundant and my department is one that has been selected for the chop, whether it really happens or not is yet to be seen but obviously I have to plan for the worst. Weird feeling you know, I've never been unemployed before so going to be really interesting and a little frightening to tell you the truth.

 

But........... there are good things out of this, A, I don't have a mortgage anymore so don't need to worry about somewhere to live (cheers mum and dad) and B, it gives me the option to try something new, that maybe I haven't done before because of commitments to my house which I now don't have.

 

Through all this I have not been alone, so much support from people that has really helped me along and kept me sailing these stormy waters, I'm still following that bright star that is guiding me along through the night, I know, if I stick with that, I'll be ok....

 

And I will be ok, better than ok in fact, 'cos I'm still here and I'm still smiling, grinning like a cheshire cat in fact!

 

Go with the flow ladies and germs.... go with the flow!!

 

:-)

 

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Can't remember if I used this for a title once before, shows how well my brain is working these days doesn't it! LOL

 

Anyway, this past week has been rather interesting as I think I've covered in some of my previous entries. The last few days have been Even more interesting, what a range of emotions I can tell you.

 

I finally finished cleaning the house for moving day on friday, well, ok, not moving day, but completion, there is no-one there anymore, just a lot of empty rooms, granted, clean and tidy empty rooms which should all smell lemony fresh!

Once I had finished the cleaning and hoovering yesterday I packed everything into the car and walked back into the house, walked through every room and I actually took a picture or 2 of every room, just for memories sake.

 

It's funny what you leave behind though. The last room I walked round before leaving the house was my eldest daugthers room, I remembered her bedroom as it was (a pig sty norrmally) and her music blaring out full blast to high school musical or mama mia (god give me strength LOL) while she danced around her room having a whale of a time. But now, silence, echoy footsteps and I noticed on the wall that I had forgotton to take down her clock, she had wanted a clock in her bedroom for some time so she could know what time it was (obviously!) so we got her a clock, just a cheap clock and put it on her wall and taught her how to tell the time.

 

Well, that clock was still there, all alone in an empty room, I walked over to it and stopped, I couldn't take it down, I tried twice, reaching my hands up to take it off the wall but just couldn't bring myself to do it, she was so proud and pleased to have that clock up there I couldn't remove it now so I just stood there looking at it, watching the second hand tick past, logging off another minute, time passing by, it's amazing how my life has changed this year, couldn't believe how much and I contemplated this while staring at my daugthers clock in that empty room in that empty house.

 

Got me thinking about the future as well, and I know things are going to be tough for a long time, trying to find your feet again and some sense of normallity is a long process, plus from a finanical point of view I can see me making a habit of checking down the backs of sofas for any loose change 'cos I'm going to need all that I can get lol, but I'm sure I'll make it through somehow.

 

I've discovered that I have a life again as well and have been able to reconnect with a lot of friends that I hadn't seen and spoken to for a long time which was brilliant and also I've made new friends, some very special new friends as well which makes me smile, big cheesy smiles all the time!

 

As I was saying before I drifted off there, I was thinking all this while staring at the clock, the ticking sound of the second hand brought me back to reality and the here and now, but now I was smiling, instead of being sad walking through the house remembering the good times that once happened in this now sad, lonely, dark house, I remembered them and still now remember them with fondness and am glad that I experienced them.

 

So, I walked away from the clock to the door, turned off the light, stood there for a few seconds more listening to the sound of that second hand ticking by and then closed the door.

 

I'm now walking, sometimes stumbling, sometimes needing help from a lot of people but walking none the less, towards my future, a future which at the moment I can see being filled with the laughter of my children when I have them, spending as much time with them as I can, remembering what's important in life, your loved ones, not houses or cars. My future also being filled with new possibilities, opportunities and experiences (probably both good and bad).

 

At the moment, I'm feeling in a buoyant mood, I'm riding a wave (whether it takes me safely to shore or slams me into the water I don't know yet) and am waiting to see what happens next.

 

I closed the front door to the house, locked it, walked down the path to my car, turned, took one last look at my house, took a picture of it for memories sake, then I got into my car and I drove away, and I didn't............. I didn't look back!!

 

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Christ.... what a week.

I know I only updated my blog this morning, well ok, yesterday morning if you want to get technical, but I still class it as this morning as I haven't been to bed yet. Granted I probably should as I've got to get up in about 5 hours time for work.

First day back at work for a week. And what a week it's been.

 

I've already mentioned about the big 2 hour futniture move yesterday (Saturday) move with me and dean, piled everything onto the luton van I'd hired and droped it all off at storage and returned the van all in under 2 hours actually, that's quite a mission.

 

I've almost finished. I've almost finished clearing out and tidying up a 3 bedroom house all by myself. I've been the one cleaning out the house, ringing the utility companies, council, home insurance etc.. I've been the one settling all the bills, packing all the stuff that isn't needed, cleaning every room, wiping down every surface, hoovering every floor, half the time with my 2 kids in tow which has made it even harder even though I love them to death.

 

But, we're almost done, I've almost finished thank christ.

Had a good day today, took my two little monkeys swimming with my friend Jo this morning who my children seem to worship the very ground she walks on which is great for me as I don't really need to do anything apart from smile and nod where needed lol. We then took the kids to Mcdonalds for lunch and a play in the park, then there were tears as Jo had to go home, least of all from me as I realised I now had to look after the kids by myself for a few hours ;-) lol.

 

Had to drop the kids off at 4:30pm at the mother in laws house which was fine, however don't now get to see the kids now will wednesday which is a bummer but at least it gives me a chance to finish the house.

I dropped the kids off and went back to the house and turned into the tazmainain devil and blitzed through that place like an american football linebacker on crack, binning and hoovering and packing everything in sight as I realised I only had 2 more nights before I had the children again and then I'd never get anything done.

With any luck I will get the house completely finished and then for the first time in 2 months I'll be able to relax.

 

Not strictly true though I have to say, on tuesday afternoon I went with a friend to somewhere called box hill, which over looks dorking, some of the most beautiful views I've seen in years, wonderful, can see for miles, was so relaxing and peaceful, I really, really didn't want to leave, but I had to, but will be going for another look at beautiful scenery again as soon as I can!!

 

On that note ladies and gents, I better put my pen down, pack up and go to bed 'cos I am knackered, had such a busy day and have to get up for work in oh, about 5 hours, which isn't brilliant, esp as it's my first day back in a week.

 

Stay safe people and remember, beautiful views are everywhere, just remember to open your eyes properly!!

 

xxxxx